- Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk

I'm in a bit of a silly mood.

( Things which own my soul, variations of various novelties or something along those lines which just sounds really, really fun to say )

Current Location: crosslegged on my bed
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Antique -- Texas Is The Reason

Just a bit of a rant...probably overreacting...parents and siblings and all of that...

Chances are I will feel bad for whatever reason after posting this.

( Rant )

In relation to the getting help post...I found out the next day that I "don't need to see anyone", I'm "fine", and that my belief that I may have an eating disorder is silly because my mom was 5 foot 4 when she got married and she was 97 pounds. Apparently, I should "just eat something."

I'm getting help.

That's about all, really...

Current Mood: accomplished

Is there even a start at all?
( Warning: Pity Party & Emoness )

Current Location: my bed
Current Mood: morose

Just...in general...I'm...I don't even know. Not pissed off. Not aggravated. Not upset. Just...unwell. Things are just...unwell. I mean...just...everything is getting to me. I feel myself relapsing and I don't want to, I really don't. But I don't know what else to do.

Chris has said that I'm far, far, far too docile. I think I agree with that. But actually, he's also one of the subjects of this rant. I think he's avoiding me again, he hasn't been online in days, so he probably blocked me. It'd be nice if I knew what I did wrong this time.

And what happened between him and I, anyways? Granted, after the break-up I wouldn't speak to him...but infidelity tends to do that, right? But now, for probably a month or more, we just haven't...we haven't clicked. At all. Which is really odd, given that we were all "zomg best buddies!" over the summer, and a bit into September. I just want to know what I did wrong, why he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He wonders why I'm so docile? Maybe because I figure that if I just keep my mouth shut when he tells me something, or if I just don't tell him things that he'll not like, then maybe he won't be so...snarky. I don't know if snarky is the proper word. But saying "Shut the fuck up." or "I'm not in the mood for your bullshit today. Don't speak to me." or if I ask what's wrong and he says "You" or he says "Call me if you ever grow a backbone.", etc. All of those, and the one time he apologized, and the other times he goes offline without a word and comes back in a few hours and acts as though nothing happened.

I suppose I just don't know where to turn anymore, everyone's kind of leaving. I no longer know what to do with myself, I just...don't know anymore. I don't know anything, really. Something of me is lost. Some spark or rebellion or thought. I mean, whatever happened to stubborn Lisa, who stood up for what she really believed in? I mean, I have my opinions now. But these are opinions for causes, beliefs, controversies. I just don't voice them.

I'm tired of being ridiculed by people for everything I do. Like Luke, who won't let go of the fact that I'm a vegetarian; such as how he said to me tonight "I eat meat, because I'm not weird like you." or last night when out to dinner (oh...god...) and Ang was saying I shouldn't be an atheist (I had to go to the bathroom to get away from that. I'm sick of hearing what I should believe in.) Or like when Mom has said she doesn't believe in bisexuality. Just, all of that. I'm sick of it. Everything. Just...sick of it.

LJ was easier when I just joined for the slash.

I can't figure out how to read messages. It's pissing me off. Immensely.

[/rant]

Current Mood: aggravated

I have another account floating on here somewhere...I just forget the name and password. Tragic, really. Although not, I supppose...seeing as I never updated it. But this one, this one I will update. Yes. Yes indeed.

Current Location: my bed
Current Music: southern state- bright eyes