faulty_camera

I want you to hit me as hard as you can

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 03:12:42 GMT

- Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk

I'm in a bit of a silly mood.

Things which own my soul?

Chuck Palahniuk, Scrubs, Hugh Laurie, Dr. Cox, House (the fictitious doctor), House (the show named after said fictious doctor), Conor Oberst, the song "Lisa, Make Love (It's Okay!) by Oh No! Oh My!, more Chuck Palahniuk, Tyler Durden, Tender Branson, quotes in the middle of conversation which DO make sense, The Narrator, every other Palahniuk character (are we sensing a pattern here?)...

And a slew of other things which I am far, far too lazy to exert the energy to type down.

I've been e-mailing with Scotticus again, after months of not talking for no apparent reason. 'Tis awesome, 'tis. And yeah. I just called him Scotticus for the first time in months. Suuuure he doesn't like being called Scotticus...but I highly doubt he'll read this. Evil? Possibly.

We discussed this concept of bending time, or, more realistically, counting backwards agewise.

And news! news. Lisa. will be recovering. or hopes to be recovering because she's a little tired of what her life is (has) becoming (become)

I think I drank too much tea tonight. I'm all chipper and such.

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 20:39:00 GMT

Just a bit of a rant...probably overreacting...parents and siblings and all of that...

Chances are I will feel bad for whatever reason after posting this.

I’m sick of hypocritical parents and siblings. For the last week, Mom’s been making me eat and all of that, thinking it’s all about food and weight and such. She says how she doesn’t want me to end up a statistic and I mentioned “Oh, yeah, 25% of pathological dieters end up with partial or full syndrome eating disorders…” and she said “Well, you’re not stupid enough to be in that 25%.”

I mean…they say I’m getting too thin and my brother said “What? Do you want to end up in the hospital because of malnutrition?” and just now my sister said to me “You need to eat more. I’ve had friends who were hospitalized because of anorexia. It’s not something you play around with, it’s not a game, you’ll end up with an actual eating disorder. A friend of mine can’t have children, because she was anorexic.”

Does she think I don’t know this? Does she think I don't know that 1 in 10 die from this and that I could die from heart failure or an ulcer or develop osteoporosis or the other slew of symptoms that comes with this fucking hell of eating disorders? Does she not get that I understand that I am not doing a healthy thing for my body?

I just feel like I’m being patronized…like…“Silly girl, eat something. You don’t have a problem, you just need to eat something.” If I fucking could, I fucking would. I mean, I ask for help, I say “Hey, um, I think I have an eating disorder, could I see a psychologist?” and then it’s “No, you don’t have a problem.”

Am I overreacting? Am I the only one who sees this as hypocritical?

Long story short.

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 04:39:54 GMT

In relation to the getting help post...I found out the next day that I "don't need to see anyone", I'm "fine", and that my belief that I may have an eating disorder is silly because my mom was 5 foot 4 when she got married and she was 97 pounds. Apparently, I should "just eat something."

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 02:31:39 GMT

I'm getting help.

That's about all, really...

I don't know where to start.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 06:13:56 GMT

Is there even a start at all?

The world's caving in a little and things are falling apart. Again. And no one notices. No one is noticing. No one is caring. Not that I really expect anyone to. Why would I even think for a moment that I deserve for someone to notice or care? I don't. I've got to keep that in mind.

I'm not writing this for anyone to read, no one'll read it.

I'm just tired.
Physically, yes (it's nearly 2 in the morning), but emotionally more so.

I have a problem.

I have a few problems, actually.

For one, the likelihood of an ED. I don't want it. I want to be normal again. Whatever that means. Normal is overrated. I think I would settle for sane. Eating something and not feeling guilty or wanting to cry or vomit or all three would be nice. Ideal, even.

The SI...well, it varies. I have good days and bad days, just like everyone does. Today is a bad day. No SI yet. That's a good thing, I suppose. I've wanted to. Two hours into the day, and I've already wanted to.

I'm pathetic.
I really am.

I won't mention Chris. He doesn't care, he's indifferent. So I won't mention him. He's a kind fellow, don't get me wrong! I just don't want to do talk about.

I would like for someone to care.

But I think everyone wants that.

So I'll let them go first, they're far more deserving.

I've kind of brought this on myself, haven't I?

I would enjoy it if things would slow down and stop piling up and I would also enjoy it if the world would stop caving in on me when I need it to hold, even if just for a few days or months or years.

I would also like to not have the feeling like I'm missing bits of me and losing bits of me as well. It's like pieces of me are breaking off daily. I can't name them, I just know they're leaving. I feel like there are cracks in me of things I used to feel and comprehend, like love and happiness and the way kisses felt and affection and safety and security and caring and time. I miss my comprehension of time.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. It's terrifying. I always say how I want to do something in the English field or write or something of the like, but I'm terrified of it. I can't teach, I hate public speaking. I can't write, I know I can't. I'm just an idiot. I won't succeed if I try something in the English field, why bother? I'll just fail. I don't know what I'm going to do in the real world...I'm terrified of what'll be expected of me once I graduate high school. What if I don't live up to their expectations? What if I don't live up to my own? What if I never find anything that I fit into?

I'm scared. About what'll happen if this keeps up. Am I in a tunnel? How long have I been in this tunnel? A month or so? Few months? Since my SI started two years ago? Or have I just always been in it?

I need an answer.
Where the fuck is the light at the end of it?

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 23:39:43 GMT

Just...in general...I'm...I don't even know. Not pissed off. Not aggravated. Not upset. Just...unwell. Things are just...unwell. I mean...just...everything is getting to me. I feel myself relapsing and I don't want to, I really don't. But I don't know what else to do.

Chris has said that I'm far, far, far too docile. I think I agree with that. But actually, he's also one of the subjects of this rant. I think he's avoiding me again, he hasn't been online in days, so he probably blocked me. It'd be nice if I knew what I did wrong this time.

And what happened between him and I, anyways? Granted, after the break-up I wouldn't speak to him...but infidelity tends to do that, right? But now, for probably a month or more, we just haven't...we haven't clicked. At all. Which is really odd, given that we were all "zomg best buddies!" over the summer, and a bit into September. I just want to know what I did wrong, why he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He wonders why I'm so docile? Maybe because I figure that if I just keep my mouth shut when he tells me something, or if I just don't tell him things that he'll not like, then maybe he won't be so...snarky. I don't know if snarky is the proper word. But saying "Shut the fuck up." or "I'm not in the mood for your bullshit today. Don't speak to me." or if I ask what's wrong and he says "You" or he says "Call me if you ever grow a backbone.", etc. All of those, and the one time he apologized, and the other times he goes offline without a word and comes back in a few hours and acts as though nothing happened.

I suppose I just don't know where to turn anymore, everyone's kind of leaving. I no longer know what to do with myself, I just...don't know anymore. I don't know anything, really. Something of me is lost. Some spark or rebellion or thought. I mean, whatever happened to stubborn Lisa, who stood up for what she really believed in? I mean, I have my opinions now. But these are opinions for causes, beliefs, controversies. I just don't voice them.

I'm tired of being ridiculed by people for everything I do. Like Luke, who won't let go of the fact that I'm a vegetarian; such as how he said to me tonight "I eat meat, because I'm not weird like you." or last night when out to dinner (oh...god...) and Ang was saying I shouldn't be an atheist (I had to go to the bathroom to get away from that. I'm sick of hearing what I should believe in.) Or like when Mom has said she doesn't believe in bisexuality. Just, all of that. I'm sick of it. Everything. Just...sick of it.

-bangs head against keyboard-

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 03:22:21 GMT

LJ was easier when I just joined for the slash.

I can't figure out how to read messages. It's pissing me off. Immensely.

[/rant]

Aloha.

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 03:09:46 GMT

I have another account floating on here somewhere...I just forget the name and password. Tragic, really. Although not, I supppose...seeing as I never updated it. But this one, this one I will update. Yes. Yes indeed.